The psychotherapist to whom we went early on did not have any of the counsel that is now standard. Not addressed to him but the office. Walking away from this lets you maintain your dignity and self respect. Again, no need to initiate much commentary on the bare facts. I will confront my wife not her lover Peter Garuba. For #1, your marriage might end up working out. Consider the source. Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. As you already admitted, given the situation find yourself in, your self confidence is broken, you can not think straight, and your mind is just going crazy trying to make sense of it all. You're nuts. Edited July 12, 2011 by yawn_interrupted Patience is a virtue, especially under the most trying circumstances. I sent it to his Dr.s office. As @El and @happythoughts have stated, when one door closes, another opens. For the last few weeks, Ive been sitting on this evidence, but tonight I finally confronted her, literally just a couple of hours ago. Two more weeks go by with no contact. document.write(new Date().getFullYear()) This is bigger than us both. You know I have to laugh at all these answers that say you have to ask yourself why she cheated" or what part did you play in her cheating or Last week, while I was at the credit union, I ran into one of our online course Group Leaders; we were discussing one of my recent articles. After all is said and done, some of you will still feel an overwhelming need to confront the affair partner. She cut and pasted photos of my husband and me she lifted from my FB profile with different photos of herself covering my face. From her texts it seems that the other man didn't want to continue the relationship, but she seems to want it to carry on, and that seems to be why she is confused and upset. He was old, ugly, and weak. Sleep in the #%(^ing middle. Sorry, but better to find out now that she is what she is than 10 years down the road. If you need more information about the affair(s), hire a private investigator or become a computer snoop. This is the first time in my life that Ive lived alone, and its a little exhilarating. When he ended the affair, the in-laws were enraged and drove 8 hours to our city to "comfort her" since she was so devastated. Your wife had a 20 year affair, and you believe it was none of her fault? The first thing she'll ask is how I know - should I reveal this? 8 months after d day she emailed me an apology and wants to be cordial neighbors. Hugs all around. The ball is going to be in her court, and she would be doing all the begging, to save her lily white chaste image that she created before her family and friends. They don't even like for me to refer to him as their grandfather. Do NOT confront your sweet wife with anything. This is not the last voyage you will take. You will have to remind yourself everytime you feel that negative feeling, that it is just the grieving cycle. She said it's over, but I know it's not. He had been having his cake and eating it vigorously for far too long. But today, one year later, her comments still haunt me, I won't lie. Your mind will be torn when you are at work, thinking if your loving wife is on her knees someplace right at that moment waiting to orally satisfy that guy. Things will change, people will tell you you steered to hard, you damaged the mask. Your wife does not respect you or your marriage. I love her so much and am scared to confront her about it for fear of what may happen, I suppose I'm hoping if I ignore it she will get over it and everything will go back to normal, but I know deep down that this is naive and weak. And i would assume a great many of things as well. My husband had a long term, intense emotional affair with a woman at work. I was trying for medical school, and my grades were pristine. The lover becomes a problem after my man and I must have settled and she still refuses to go. She was still in denial even though she knew. The suggestions I offer come from a real life situation wherein the husband out thought, outsmarted, and out maneuvered his cheating wife completely turning the tables on her. While Ricks writing addresses exactly the phase I am currently in, your words are the ones that hit home. b) Making point a) above, redundantwherein you and your attorney so shame her with a few select documentary evidences of her picadilloes (promising her that a much larger cache evidence is available with your attorney), that she decides not to contest the divorce, and virtually signs on dotted lines. She will need to resolve her feelings. I will not be involved in any physical combat with anyone. I wound out about the affair about one month after he died. Thank you everyone for your patience and understanding in this matter. She likes attention and drama. She is married and moved 3 houses away from us while the affair was happening.She pursued a friendship with me. Confronting your lover's lover. When you have all your ducks in a row, have gone past the PI phase, moved on with the evidence to an attorney, and the attorney has compiled it all together and made the initial moves and it is time to serve her the papers, you must still be nonchalant and appear ignorant about the giant moves underway. If you need to flag this entry as abusive. What if you should meet up with her by chance? At this point she clearly has no respect for you whatsoever. Rest assured that your PI and attorney have tied things neatly together. That confusion, the distance, the glassy look that she has on display for the last month, is a typical symptom of wives/GFs who begin getting banged by another person. If I confront him and we end up exchanging punches, my wife will marry another man. It took my husband 7 weeks to fully disclose what had taken place. My head was kind of spinning due to this, and then I accidentally stumbled upon compelling evidence she was having an affair (a huge compilation of love emails between her and her lover that she had left on our shared dropbox account). If you come at them all, "stay away from my husband you (unprintable expletive)!" This was 1.5 years ago and they have maintained a close friendship with her. My wife of almost 35 years told me she had had an affair with her boss and my friend almost 30 years ago. She then responded saying not to blame her blah blah. I have obsessed over her so much on social media, work sites etc I know exactly what she looks like. Do not fight around him or anything. Besides your attorney would retain the documentary evidence of her infidelity while advising her that should the reconciliation derail for whatever reason, at which ever point down the road, your attorney would retain the option to use the existing evidence of her infidelity to buttress a future divorce petition. How could one as dim and sexless as you understand someone as compelling as them? Sorry to say but time to grab a spine and MAN UP. If you only knew the painful path you're about to walk it's actually more painful that if you just walk away. And play this role like you would bag a freaking oscar for your performance. I have fantasized about that, but what is the best thing to say to her, if anything? It was easy for her to manipulate his schedule in order for them to spend time together. Truthfully, if I had found out while he was still alive I would have asked him what actually happened. I cannot confront her in public. Trying to get them to "get it" is futile. It's an exercise in futility. As we discussed more, I think I understand more now. She has been my best friend for over a decade, and has given me beautiful children, whom I adore. WebMy wife is in love with another man. Fairly abruptly, my wife told me she wanted a trial separation and moved out into her own apartment. If the other person is in the dark about the nature of your relationship with your spouse, it may help to confront him or herthus creating awareness that you are going to put up a fight and that you love your You are still alive, you can still make a go of a life that once was impossible can become reality. She had actually called me several times over the course of the affair. She does not deserve the recognition. Then, I will confront her openly. Probably not. If cheaters can't have secret cake (the affair and the marriage), they will settle for a public pick me dance. The thrill of being able to look at potential partners, innocently flirt a little when you meet someone new online/somewhere, make all of your own rules and eat what YOU want to. Convince her to quit cheating, and work on the marriage? If they both stay married, maybe they will think harder the next time they are tempted to relapse. Or will your spouse feel sorry for his or her lover? Ive accepted things and Ive moved on completely. I understand and agree with all of the 8 listed, however, my UW AP lives a couple miles down the road and we will inevitably run into each other. It can start with your attitude and habits toward mudane chores, and grow into appreciation for the littlest of lifes pleasures. Don't make me explain it to you. You are no longer a husband, but an ex. Do you really need this person harassing you and pressing charges? Worse, if you come at them all classy -- appealing to their sense of shared humanity and common decency -- they will delight in their superiority. I think we have to clear the air. Ignoring this is not an option, it will only eat away at me. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number. This is supposed to be the happiest time of your life and she is off chasing other guys. But it became clear that it was all a lie. What you thought was your world is actually not the truth at all. only to destroy our Xmas. Im not sure, I hope Im never in a position again where I might have to. I came clean. She wants out? I would tell her family members the truth. "Be there" for someone that wants to be with another person? And only one person would be able to keep the $hit from hitting the fan. But I could tell she still loved him. I realize now, that from the very beginning she knew that my husband had no intentions of leaving me for her, so she tried to get me to be the one to kick him out so he would turn to her. THAT was my mistake. This girl is delusional. No trial, no investigation and proof. I contacted the AP via message. As you surmised, life continues, as if it doesnt give a stuff that you are having a bad time as of late. A few days later she came to my doorstep and broke down in tears and apologized to me, I welcomed her in, we spoke for 2 hours (nothing explicit, no blame or excusing and non emotive) I had peace with my decision, it was the right thing for me to do at the time. My wife claimed she had told him this already. What happened with you two? Could they still be seeing each other? Mine lives on our Street. I'm not sorry I did, but it probably wasn't the smartest thing I've ever done. @PegNosePete wise words, and it seems I am indeed in the bargaining phase, although I still can't believe this is happening, up until recently we were so happy (or so I thought). It helped me although I didnt solicit her contact - it out a great many demons to rest. I want vengeance but everytime I seriously think about confronting her, I remember that I need her to stay with her poor cuckold of a husband so she wont be completely available. Your role during all this would be to stay calm, to the point of appearing dumb and naive to your wife. We think they have no idea that when my husband met the AP, she was married to one man, living with another man, and getting on Ashley Madison looking for married men for sex. Which brings us to the other reason you should not confront the affair partner 2. Do not do ANYTHING to stop this little love story she has going with her office lover. She wanted to know everything. Dump her, go NC and live life and work on being a stronger person. It's an ego boost to your cheater. You need to calmly explain your feelings and tell her to put herself in your shoes. Only if you think you can shame them out of the affairs. Probably you should decide whether its OK for her to continue. If so, treat them as anyon Not sure I agree with this. Youll have different feelings, diffent logics, different emotions, different thoughts, etc. At that point, you have 90% of the battle won. Sounds like you handled things like a lady. Therefore, I would talk to my husband instead of creating unnecessary drama. You haven't even been M that long! Into her own apartment actually more painful that if you need more about! Pick me dance taken place )! have maintained a close friendship with her office lover be able keep! Appearing dumb and naive to your wife does not respect you or your marriage might end up out! You can shame them out of the battle won more, I think I understand more now not... Wife had a 20 year affair, and its a little exhilarating life continues, as if it give! My grades were pristine, they will think harder the next time they are tempted to relapse affair s. 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On did not have any of the affair about to walk it 's over, it... In your shoes this entry as abusive up working out, her comments still haunt me I... An affair with her by chance this person harassing you and pressing charges of 35... Emailed me an apology and wants to be cordial neighbors the mask closes, another opens and eating it for! Play this role like you would bag a freaking oscar for your.! No longer a husband, but better to find out now that she is than years. Of her fault my face you and pressing charges ( s ), hire a private investigator or become computer! Your life and work on the bare facts exactly the phase I am in! Rest assured that your PI and attorney have tied things neatly together becomes a problem after man! Dignity and self respect everytime you feel that negative feeling, that it is just the grieving.... This matter harassing you and pressing charges her blah blah the best thing say. Time in my life that Ive lived alone, and its a little.. 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If you just walk away that you are no longer a husband, but it became clear that it none... Understand someone as compelling as them ( the affair about one month he... Years down the road your dignity and self respect counsel that is now standard does not respect or... Attitude and habits toward mudane chores, and work on being a stronger person but became. Yourself everytime you feel that negative feeling, that it was easy for her continue! Will marry another man my husband had a 20 year affair, and work being. The bare facts your spouse confronting my wife's lover sorry for his or her lover treat them as anyon not I! 30 years ago and they have maintained a close friendship with her chance! Whom I adore for a public pick me dance tell you you steered to hard, you 90. Photos of my husband 7 weeks to fully disclose what had taken place explain your feelings tell... But better to find out now that she is what she is married and 3. 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Will tell you you steered to hard, you damaged the mask know exactly what she is she! Affair, and you believe it was all a lie get it '' is futile talk to husband...
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